The most important aspect of divorce is deciding how the couple’s child will be raised after the marriage has ended. It is often the most emotionally charged, destructive and financially devastating conflict in the divorce as well. Custody disputes between unmarried parents can be equally difficult.
Fortunately, most divorcing or separating unmarried parents can acknowledge that a bad spouse or significant other may nonetheless be a competent parent. They are able to agree about their child’s care and effectively co-parent after the divorce. Typically, a court will approve almost any agreement a mother and father enter into if both feel the agreement furthers the health, happiness and well being of their child.
Because divorce and co-parenting after a romantic relationship has ended can be inherently stressful, many otherwise cooperative parents are unable to agree without the assistance of trained professionals. Many services are available to these couples. For example, all divorcing couples and parents asking the court for custody and visitation orders must complete a six hour parenting education class offered by various organizations throughout the state. Completing the class is mandatory even where the parents have a positive and successful co-parenting relationship and is a prerequisite to the court issuing a judgment dissolving a marriage. (The list of parenting education providers is on the judicial web site at www.jud.ct.gov.) In addition, the state offers mediation services to divorcing couples free of charge with trained professionals called family services officers or counselors and private mental health professionals offer services which help the couple develop a good parenting schedule and learn communication techniques, allowing them to co-parent more effectively after they are no longer a couple.
A minority of divorcing or separating parents are unable or unwilling to resolve parenting issues and instead leave their child’s future in the hands of judges. These “contested custody” cases can last more than a year. Normally, the child’s life is one of conflict and sorrow throughout the process and sometimes, he becomes irreparably harmed.
The typical fully contested custody case, which frequently costs from $30,000 - $100,000, will involve:
- An attorney to represent the child or a guardian ad litem to reflect the child’s best interests.
- An intrusive custody study resulting in a recommendation to a judge at trial about what parenting orders are in the child’s best interests.
- A trial, after which a judge decides the child’s fate. Most contested custody cases are not tried in the local judicial district superior courthouse. Instead, they are handled by a special statewide custody court in Middletown called the “Regional Family Trial Docket”.
A fully contested custody case, whatever the outcome, more often than not devastates an already fragile family, especially the child.
Confronting and addressing custody and parenting issues can bring out the best or the worst in each parent. I urge parents to find the strength to be their best during these difficult times. Every child deserves this from the two most important people in the world to him – his mom and dad.
